If you get locked in a library overnight and you never even notice.

When you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.

If you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.

When you think every home should have a microfilm reader.

If you'd rather read census schedules than a good book.

When you know every town clerk in your state by name.

If town clerks lock the doors when they see you coming.

When you are more interested in what happened in 1695 than 1995.

If you store your clothes under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals.

When Savage, Torrey, and Pope are household names, but you can't remember what you call your dog.

If you can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, Kent on a map of England, but can't locate Topeka, Kansas.

When all your correspondence begins "Dear Cousin."

If you've traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented, and still don't want to quit.

But Pappy said, 'Susie, gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon ya Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.'

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, 'There's trouble still ..
You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.'

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
6. Appointing a committee to study the dead horse.
7. Waiting for the horse's condition to improve from this temporary downturn.
8. Providing additional training to increase riding ability.
9. Passing legislation declaring "This horse is not dead."
10. Blaming the horse's parents.
11. Acquiring additional dead horses for increased speed.
12. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
13. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
14. Commissioning a study to see if private contractors can ride it cheaper.
15. Removing all obstacles in the dead horse's path.
16. Taking bids for a state-of-the art dead horse.
17. Declaring the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Revising the performance requirements for horses.
19. Saying the horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
20. Raising taxes (any excuse will do).

And if all else fails: